Front Street

Friday, March 19, 2010

By Gigi

You may’ve noticed that my blogging has become sporadic with missing sequential months. It’s become very difficult for me to even write a few pithy lines of late. This month, I’ve had to defer my doctoral registration for school for Fall 2010, until I can get control of my condition and disease.

My family life has suffered and is still suffering. My second son, age 20, whom I’d pestered to graduate from high school, has decided to follow in his big brother’s footsteps and has dropped out of college in his second semester.

I’ve lost interest in everything, including this website, which is in need of upgrading. My writing, home life, friends, hobbies, job holds no sway with me anymore. I’ve stopped going out and slowly gaining weight...again. We eat lots of take out, because I’ve stopped cooking. I used to cook everyday; now it’s once maybe twice a week.

My ailments: hypertension, scoliosis and clinical depression. I’m in constant pain due to my spine and scared to death I’ll become addicted to my vicodin pills. I’m also on Lexapro for my depression, which I’ve stopped taking without my doctors orders, because I’m having suicidal thoughts; I’ve been battling depression for the past 22 years. I’m also on Sular for my high blood pressure, which I’ve developed in the last 4 years, and is in direct co-relation to my weight gain. My body is so filled with prescription drugs that I’m afraid of taking a multi-mineral vitamin for my sluggishness and accidentally over-dosing like Anna Nicole.

The biggest surprise…no one knew! Not even inkling. Why? Because I’ve hidden it so well from my friends and family. I’m considered the strong one, the reliable one, the dependable and jovial one. I could be in a room filled with family or friends, and all I want to do is go in a corner and cry; or sometimes, I’m milling about, flitting from one group to another with a plastered fake smile on my face or nodding; but not really hearing what anybody is saying. If I appear okay on the outside, then who’s to know what ails me mentally or physically? Please excuse my rambling, disjointed thoughts.

I’m stopping right here…..