Front Street

Friday, December 28, 2007


Another New Year’s Eve is fast approaching and the married man that you were creeping with for most of 2007 won’t be spending it with you! MmmmHmmm…Christmas, if he spent a few hours with you, it was just a holiday string-along. I bet he told the missus that he was running out for batteries—for 6 hours. So feeling like a big fat loser (and I’m emphasizing the fat here) this holiday season, just remember…girl it could be worse.

Holidays are typically very emotional and very hard for the other woman. It reminds you that it is the end of the year and he still hasn’t done anything to change his circumstances—but hope is a very powerful emotion. Because no matter how suicidal or homicidal you feel this holiday season, there is a bright side…I think. You can dump him because you deserve better; and mark the New Year coming as a brand new start and a new beginning. OR, you can continue being alone, this time of year…sweatpants clad, frequently drunk (I’ve heard…) and potentially enraged!

Girls, know this—that the married man will do and say anything, especially during the holidays to hang on to you. “If only I’d met you years ago” to an emotionally needy woman sounds like a hugely flattering line. And he can morph into, “I wish I was waking up to you on Christmas Day.” Ladies, just remember, IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AND IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!

Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s Day, Father’s Day and even his birthday; these occasions are most difficult because they follow each other and they’re all reserved for family and this leaves you the other woman, out in the cold…and to all, a good night.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

By Gigi

Before I begin, I have to say that I agree with Bill Maher. Star Jones-Reynolds looked prettier when she was fat. She should put the weight back on, because I prefer the old Star…you know, the sassy one that used to say, “Talk to the hand,” and the hand was covered in powdered sugar…

Okay ladies, this is a continuation, from September’s blog. I’m giving you diamonds and pearls here, so please pay close attention. I will try to address most of the sexual problems here and if not, there’s always next month’s blog to continue, for however long it takes to resolve these issues, such as:
1. speed demons in bed
2. robots
3. spitty kissers
4. nipple pinchers, and so on...

Suffer no more. I will share some strategies for turning a so-so lover into a lover who will rock your world, with a few carefully laid hints. Trust mother, I’ve been there. You meet a guy, you’re into him—he’s into you, things are going so well, until…he sucks in bed. His technique is lacking and he’s doing that annoying thing with his tongue/hand/leg (take your pick). You finally ask yourself, “How did he get this far knowing so little?” Finally you’re thinking about the last slice of pineapple cheesecake in the refrigerator and you want to get to it before your greedy son beats you to it or the cute expensive boots you saw in Bloomingdale’s. It’s never a good sign when your mind leaves the bedroom and into a department store. Then, you hope that your boring lover will turn out the lights and lock up when he’s done so that you can get some sleep, because you’ve got things to do tomorrow.

But what’s a girl to do? Twenty something years ago, the immature me would’ve thrown him back into the dating pool and kept it moving.

A lot of women usually suffer in silence, tsk-tsk. OR you can teach an old dog some new tricks. Let’s get one thing straight! Making a guy better in bed is actually about making sex better for you, period. And believe it or not, despite the sexual revolution and women’s lib, a lot of women are still Victorian in their thinking and are afraid to ask for what they want.

Fortunately, there are women like myself who are bold and assertive and know how to ask for what we want instead of planning shopping sprees in the middle of sex. So now, pay attention, because basically, it’s all about honest communication:

The Spitty Kisser / Orally Challenged
A lot of guys do not know how to kiss, period. Some kiss with tight lips locked up like fort knox. Some kiss very drooly, like a teething baby. (are you dry-heaving yet?) You can do the immature thing during a make-out session and grab a towel to wipe your mouth…and if he continues, you fetch a mop…that being said, I like to also add that a lot of guys don’t know how to please a woman orally either. For most women, this flaw is a complete deal breaker. It’s not something you can teach. I of course disagree. You can’t go in thinking that you’re going to get perfect sex every time. Work with him…You have to let go of that feeling and simply ask him, “How do you like to be kissed?” Believe it or not, most guys are open and upfront about discussing it. Soon, after you do this, he’ll be eager to emulate and reciprocate. Once you have an open line of communication going, you can continue telling him what you like and how.

The Speed demon
I once had a boyfriend tell me he was done, while I was unlocking my front door to get into my apartment…just kidding. For a lot of men, anticipation is simply too much for them…more than they can handle. If he’s that way, maybe you shouldn’t build it up too much. If you’re going to see him that night, don’t send dirty emails or leave sexy phone messages, because as he watches you disrobe…one part schoolgirl outfit, one part striptease, he’s already ejaculated in his shorts and it’s good night Tyrone.

The Jack hammer
You ever had a guy nail you…literally? You feel like a piece of meat, right? Don’t hurt his feelings, girls. Guys feelings are not as resilient as they’d like to think, so go easy on him. Give subtle directions with compliments—it’s all in the way you approach it. Tell him gently to slow down or “Wow, that feels good when you’re gentle”, and quickly follow it up with, “but don’t stop”. The results will please you…and him.

Nipple Pinchers/ Biters
Apparently, some lying heifer…or Rottweiler puppy, told some guy, and he told some other guys, that it felt good to us for them to chew and suck on our nipples as hard as they can. Listen up girls, if you want to keep your nipples, you must show him what you like. Try it on him what you want done to you. Then, do it his way, rough and gnawing cannibal like…he’ll get the message.

When he thrusts your head
Women don’t you hate that? This is a pretty common move from most guys while you’re giving them Fellatio. Sometimes when you attempt to lift your head for air, they misinterpret that to mean you’re done; so they thrust your head harder, thereby gagging you with their member and making you dry heave. Soooo not sexy. So, this is what you should do. Get several scarves and tie his arms behind his back and also blindfold him. Whisper in his ear, “I run this show…you simply relax and enjoy the ride.” And he will.